Phones and Essays

I bought a cordless phone the other day, and I feel like it's the beginning of a new era. I've been meaning to get one since forever, and now, finally, freedom has arrived. Since I'm so very seldom home, I have only used it twice so far, but it felt good.

When not talking on the phone. I'm supposed to be writing on an essay. It's not all that funny, not because it's difficult, but because it's boring. But I'm in no hurry, so I can afford myself the luxury of going about it slowly.

I'm no longer as sad and upset as I was when last I wrote. Now the feeling that lingers on is loneliness, not actually sadness. And loneliness is easier to handle than sadness. One thing though is making it harder, and that is the time of year. I wonder when it will be warm again, when winter will vanish. Loneliness comes easier when it's cold and dark outside.

I'm reading For Whom the Bell Tolls at the moment, and I love it, and I feel like I always want to carry a copy of it with me. Some books by Hemingway have that effect on me, like I want to pat them, after I've finished reading them. I wonder why.

The Cough, the Sneeze and the Sorrow of Loneliness

Apparently I have a cold, and on top of that I'm feeling so lonely. I feel like I might as well throw away my mobile phone, since she is never going to call me, or text me, again. It's over, apparently, and I've been handling it well I think, but I'm sad, tired, lonely and numb. I don't know what to do.

I wonder for how long this feeling will last.

If I hadn't this cold, I might be out trying to entertain myself, but now I'm alone in my apartment. I've been watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond and Dharma and Greg on TV, but that amuses you only up to a point. Merde!

The Westerner

For some reason I have fallen under the spell of the wild west. Lately that has led me to watch a lot of films by John Ford, reading My Ántonia by Willa Cather, and listening to famous themes from famous western movies. I have even been reading Lucky Luke, the French-Belgian comic books. This isn't something new, I have long had this soft spot for the frontier, ever since I was a child. And not just the American west of course, but the Australian equivalent as well. One of the best books I have read on the subject of frontier life, and early settlers, takes place in Australia, and is written by an Australian: The Tree of Man by Patrick White.

While we're on the subject, today I saw an interview with senator Barack Obama, and what suddenly struck me was how much he looks like some character from the Lucky Luke albums. Should the senator be reading this, I hope he understands that I mean in affectionately.

I have been on my new job for four days now, and I haven't done much yet, but it seems to me to be most agreeable. More news will follow. Now I'm hungry and in urgent need of food.

Melting Snow and Changing Jobs

Yesterday my new life begun. Possibly. We will soon find out. That was my first day free from my last dysfunctional job. Now I have a few days off, and will begin a new job next week. It feels good, I can tell you. It's like I'm finally relaxed after two years of stress. I'm off on a little trip this weekend, to celebrate. Just me. I won't even bring my mobile phone with me. I need to be alone.

What's sad is that the snow is beginning to melt. Now is probably the most unagreeable part of winter, when everything is ugly and grey outside, and the trees look dark and hostile, after having been so beautifully covered up in all that whiteness.

But the snow only melts in the real world, on my photographs it is eternal.

Snow White But Zero Dwarfs

It's been snowing for two days and everything is covered with a thick, soft, white layer of snow, and it's ever so pretty outside. It's a shame it'll soon turn grey or black, and just cause problems for pedestrians and drivers.

It's been a remarkably quiet weekend, and not only because the snow muffles the sounds outdoors. I haven't had any "musts", so I have been able to leisurely do whatever I have felt like. A as is so often the case, I felt like being with J. We spent the better part of Saturday watching the second season of Sex and the City, crawled up under a blanket, drinking tea, and keeping each other warm. What more could one possible ask for? Season three perhaps, which I hope we will get for next weekend.

I will probably be a bit short of cash this spring, because I will have a new job, and work less hours. I wonder what I will have to cut down on. Or maybe I should find some extra source of income, maybe try to get a few hours each month working as a substitute teacher. Oh, I don't know. Most of all I would just like to get away from it all for a month and get my strenght back, after the agonizingly stressful year of 2006. Apparently I will not be able to, but I will try to get a week at the very least. I think I need it, and what's more, I think I deserve it. I've been thinking about Spain, the southwest, around Cordoba and Seville. But since J. and I are planning a trip to Canada this summer, maybe I should save my money and just go visit a friend in a nearby city.

But first things first, now I will brush my teeth.

The Cold and the Hunger

Well, it isn't actually particularly cold, considering the time of year, but still, I don't like it when I'm freezing. My apartment is so cold also, so every morning there is a struggle between the (warm) bed and the (cold) floor), with me in between. In Korea they all have a heating system underneath the floor, which is one reason why moving there is such an appealing idea.

Doo Seon is getting married next week, and I will not be there. There is nothing appealing in that.

It seems it doesn't matter how much I eat for breakfast, I'm always hungry after an hour anyway. Why is that? I hope the necessary research is being conducted this very minute.

Crying and Waiting

It's been raining harshly today, and all my clothes are hung up to dry. The rain mixed with my tears, as the first woman I have ever truly loved said that we must end our relationship. Ours is a special relation, and we will still be seeing each other, but not in the way I had hoped (but never really believed).

Things have changed back and forth these last weeks, and they might very well change again, so all is not lost. But I'm sad just the same, and so I cried for the first time in years, and for the first time ever because of love. A testimony of sorts of how different my feelings are for her, compared with my feelings for all the other women I have known (but not loved).

It's so very late, and I'm so tired I will probably sleep like a baby. At least I hope I will.

The Old and the New

2006 is almost over, and I wonder what'll happen next year, the day after tomorrow. Where will I travel? Who will I love? Where will I work? What will I write about?

The other night, on the subway, there were some teenage guys and a girl who were giving quite a performance, singing, or rapping. Not for money or anything like that, it was only because they found such joy in it. And they sure had rhythm. One of them gave me a nervous glance and asked me what I thought. I told him I thought they were great, and he gave me a happy smile.

I have been reading Paul Auster and Joan Didion during my Christmas vacation. They sure don't waste any words. I wish I could write like that. Maybe I can. Next year I will try at any event, I'd like to have my own book published.

Here's another picture from Paris by the way.

Almost Christmas

It's my last day at work this year, and I'm not going to lie. It feels great! Still no internet at home though, so pictures from Paris and other amusements will have to wait for a couple of days.

Merry Christmas to y'all!!

Day three without internet, and counting

I still haven't got internet working in my new apartment. Otherwise I'm very happy there, and things are going my way at work, finally. Friday was supposed to be my last day, but they don't want me to go, and are begging me to stay. I want to stay if I can do something different. That's what I've been telling them, and now they are willing to give me something I'd like to do. So I will stay, part time, and study at the university the rest of the time. Right now everything would be great, were it not for my messy love life. Will there ever be a time when everything is going well, simultaneously.