Home boy, the artist and the explorer.

Been spending the entire day at home taking care of stuff. Calling banks and insurance companies, putting out advertisments for my flat, reading up on things to remember when moving abroad, writing e-mails to people I need to write to, and pretty much sorting everything out. (Yes, I am actually rather proud of myself.)

And now I can relax for a week, for I've done everything that was on my list (or rather lists, I wrote a secondary list during the day as the first became redundant).

Yesterday I spent some hours alone with Maeby for the first time, when Lisa was working. I was actually a bit nervous, imagining all kinds of scenarios which involved illnesses, disappearances, accidents and bad behaviour. Of course nothing happened and her behaviour was beyond reproach. She really is the most adorable creature. Later, making dinner with Lisa, I felt stressed all of a sudden. Stressed because I've only got five weeks left here, with them.

I'm going to be in St Andrews for three years. I've never lived that long in one place since I left home 12 years ago. Is that normal for a 35 year old? It doesn't matter whether it's normal or not of course, but I just wondered if I would ever settle down and get some stability. It's not really in my DNA, but maybe I could at least stay for five years at the same place? Or maybe even 10?Will I ever? I used to believe I moved around because I was unhappy, but that's not the reason. It's just that I'm restless and curious about what's over there. That, and that I get bored so very easily. When I was little I played with Lego, but I only liked to build stuff. When I was finished I didn't play with what I had built. Either I would build something as a fashion statement, which I would then put on display, like I was a Lego artist, or I would build things that were intricate and imaginative, as a challenge to myself. And then destroy them and do something new. The artist and the explorer, that's the two sides of me.

I also am a big believer in freedom and independence. It's difficult to reach total independence, but I do need as much as I can get. It's in my bones. I'm afraid of being tied down, locked up, controlled and watched. Another reason why I won't settle down, won't get a permanent job or a permanent relationship.

Even now, when I'm very happy, when I like my apartment, myself, my life, still I don't want to settle. It's not an option.

There're a lot of qoutes I like to through around, from books and films, and I thought about writing a few here. But I won't. It's not necessary.

Clouds

Had something of an epiphany yesterday. There's a part of me which is unconsciously keeping me at a distance from things, either out of habit or due to a fear of being disappointed. I thought I had got rid of it, but with Lisa yesterday, I realized that I hadn't, I had just forgotten about it. Now I know better.

Oh, it's been a good week so far, full of positivity, friendliness and love. And I'm actually feeling rather calm, much to my surprise. I awoke calm this morning. (I also awoke a bit too early but that's of no consequence.)

The other day I saw a program on Discovery Science, a channel I didn't even knew I had. The program was about men who believe that ancient monuments such as the pyramids were built by aliens. Their argument is pretty much: "Oh, come on, clearly they were built by aliens." Some were also saying that not only did the aliens build the pyramids and Stonehenge and various other things, but they did also create the human race by crossbreeding Neanderthals with aliens or something like that. This is something that explains why we humans have this feeling of abandonment and loss. And yes, NASA and various governments are hiding the truth from us.

There are of course far too many questions raised by all this, questions which will never be answered. One is how they find the time to come up with all this nonsense. But hey, whatever works.

Back home

It's business as usual. Running, bonding, sleeping, eating, washing and sweating. Still hot.

I'm sorting out my personal archive together with Helene. Stuff written by me, or to me, or newspaper articles I've saved, it's all being organized finally. Now it's like my whole life is spread out on the floor, or at least the last 19 years. There's been a lot of that lately, and it's both nostalgic and interesting. To see both how I've changed and how I haven't.

Another nostalgic thing is to watch The Cosby Show on TV. Haven't seen it for 20 years maybe but on one of the many channels the airwaves are littered with these days, they're showing the old episodes again. It's not the best in television history (although very influential), but it's comforting to watch. Soothing somehow. It's weird though how much the acting abilities differ among the cast.

I've finished reading Wilfred Thesiger. I liked the book a lot. At one point he's trying to get some sleep in the cold desert night. He's very hungry and even more thirsty and is feeling miserable. But then he asks himself if there's some place he'd rather be and when he realizes that the answer to that question is No, he relaxes, stops feeling sorry about himself and falls asleep.

And from Thesiger I've moved on to C.P. Snow. I'm now on my third of his Strangers and Brothers novels, The Affair. It's not great literature but he's sharp and knowledgable and they're unputdownable. After reading them you almost feel like you're a Fellow at Cambridge yourself, and that the selection of a new Master (as in The Masters) are among the most important things in your life.

By the way, I hope you know I have a film blog as well? Fredrik on Film. Go nuts!

11, rue Payenne

It was a most eventful flight to Charles de Gaulle, followed by a just as eventful train ride to Châtelet, possible the ugliest and most inhospitable station in Europe. Actually it's a disgrace and I don't understand why somebody hasn't had it fixed yet. It's been like this for many years. The French never lacks money when it comes to grand gestures and big infrastructure spending. Come on, get on with it.

But Paris! Oh, Paris! I love it. You will never understand the feeling. The sense of complete and utter satisfaction and exhilaration I feel every time I arrive. Not at the airport, not at Châtelet, but when I leave the Métro station and place my foot on the pavement. Then it comes, the serendipitous feeling. Calm, assured, relieved, at ease, overjoyed.

Catwalk

It's weird but since I left work three weeks ago I've felt disorganized and stressed, for no apparent reason. But actually there's a very good reason. I've had so much to do and I've not really been handling my priorities as a pro. But now I've almost done everything that needed to be done, and feeling more and more secure.

Today's been a good day. For a moment it looked as if I would be angry and disappointed because I was meant to see someone but she cancelled with very short notice. But instead I had a very nice evening, with some stadtbummeln, very good sushi, a nice drink and a fashion show in the open. (I do so like fashion shows, which might not be what people think.) And I began the day with long run, which went ever so smoothly.

Today I've also begun reading Wilfred Thesiger's account of him and two Bedouins crossing the Empty Quarter, in the south of the Arabian peninsula, on camel. It's a fascinating read, and as something of a desert fetishist myself, it was unavoidable that I read it, sooner or later.

Madame Bovary

Much to my surprise I did yesterday actually manage to have a whole day for myself, in solitude. I was not at home all day, but a little excursion is nothing bad in itself. It's what you do with it that counts.

The Tbilisi photos

At last, the promised photos of Tbilisi. If you click on the photo you will magically be transfered to the whole album. Go nuts!

Tbilisi

Weekends away

Since I quit my job I've had far too much to do at home. Both necessary things and things that are not really necessary but which I've decided to do. So apart from three days of leisure I've been keeping myself busy. Far too busy. But I'm coming to the end of the pile.

And I shouldn't complain, not really, because all of these things needed to be done. And I've had time to see my friends. What I haven't had is time on my own, just me doing nothing. But that time will come. Maybe tomorrow? Thursday? Oh, whatever. (Or rather, whenever.)

Next week I'm finally flying to Paris. Long overdue. But before that I think I should turn of my phone, pull down the curtains, and idle away.

A week at home

Been home for a week and it's been of week of much joy. Been working more than I had planned but not more than I could handle. But mostly I've been having fun with friends.

Usually when I come to visit Lisa and Maeby, Maeby is already in the apartment when I arrive. Now she was out and I was there when she came home and in one of the more heartwarming displays of affection for some time she ran through the apartment, jumped over the sofa and through herself over me, knocking of my glasses, and then began licking every part of me not clothed.

But I'm also rather tired since I have not slept nearly as much as I should've. But there's always time for that. Eventually.

Whilst getting rather to go out this morning I listened to Oasis. They really were quite extraordinarily good in the 90s. (What's the Story) Morning Glory ? was the soundtrack of my life then. I think it's the best album ever recorded. But that's just me. It's a pity they later lost it so completely. But there are a couple of good songs as late as Heathen Chemistry, especially Born on a Different Cloud. That I do love.

Streets of Tbilisi

Back from Tbilisi. Long night of traveling. Planes, trains and automobiles. Here are a two photos, more will follow.